Quantify and Devolve
by Liberty Love and Roses
Summary: He is not Chat; one is a persona, the other a person. The question lies in which one is which.— Adrien/Chat Noir Angst


**Hello, and welcome to (drum roll, plz) My first ML fic!**

 **So this is a short something, and I will warn you that it might be confusing. No happy endings to give, I'm afraid, but I can offer a rushed one? Yeah, the ending might seem a little rushed to some people. It is a very short little thingy thing after all.**

 **Behold, angsty Adrien! Let's go! Please read and review!**

* * *

She is the hero, everyone loves her. He loves her. But sometimes, Adrien is tired.

* * *

Blue used to be his favourite colour, Adrien recalls, but only because it was the colour of her eyes. She represents everything blue represents; ocean's serenity, sky's liberty, a strength of crashing waves and a capacity for boundless love.

Now, everything blue stifles him. Blue is the pedestal he can't reach, the oceans he can't swim in, the morning skies he hides from, the love he can't receive; his black taints the blue when he reaches for it, and he soon realises that black cats like him are curses of misfortune, unlovable, unwanted. His fate lies in fire, burning to ash at the stakes. Her fate is undefined, limitless, like the sky, like the sea.

When Ladybug smiles at him with those pretty blue eyes, Chat Noir feels like throwing up.

* * *

"Silly cat." She bops his nose with dainty fingers. The red fabric feels rough on his nose, and he wonders if her hands are soft underneath (but Chat wants more than just to see her hands).

Blue eyes glister, gleam, equipped with such luminescence that even the moon would fall for her.

Her gaze paints his smile maudlin, because Ladybug is cruel and gracious, a convoluted serendipity he should not have fallen for (black cats, he remembers, are rarey acquainted with such convenient luck).

* * *

The world claims to love her and perhaps that's true, but Chat often catches himself thinking that they don't love her the way _he_ does.

The world loves Ladybug in the worst way possible, in the most twisted kind of way, in the _wrong_ way. They do not love her; they love the _idea_ of her. They don't know her, not really; all they know is her smile, her laugh, her blue eyes, her confidence, determination and heroic justice.

But then again, when he stops for a moment and thinks (debates, ponders, considers), Chat doesn't know much beyond that either. Being closer physically is not equal to being closer emotionally.

(Is his love also wrong?)

* * *

If people fall in love, do they rise in hate? What's the difference, anyway? Both infect the mind, agitate the heart, corrupt the soul.

Somewhere amidst loving, and falling in consequence, Adrien realises the line is too easily blurred.

* * *

A reciprocated love, surely, must be one of the greatest feelings of all? _Surely_?

Adrien wants to think so, but he doesn't. There is something about Ladybug's starstruck blues matching with his _almost_ enchanted emeralds that nauseates him when he realises that the nature of her gaze is not strikingly unfamiliar.

* * *

How does one quantify perfection? Adrien is often told that he is perfect, but so is Ladybug. The difference is that Ladybug is a hero, and Adrien is a normal boy.

(—He is not Chat; one is a persona, the other a person. The question lies in which one is which; the issue lies in which Ladybug deems more attractive.)

* * *

Chloe looks at Adrien, and he reaches an unfortunate epiphany.

Ladybug looks at him the way Chloe does, the way so many people do. She looks at him like he is perfection bottled in a body, like he is charming just because he's decent, even though she's the hero.

Even though Chat's also a hero.

Even though Adrien is not.

He thinks this too much, but maybe Adrien as a _person_ simply isn't loveable; he is constantly overshadowed, neglected. Everybody is infatuated with the ephemeral, and while he understands it is only human nature to cling desperately to what you can't eternally have (like love and life and looks), he wishes they could realise that there is more to him than a pretty face.

But, then again, is there really? Adrien really is just a pretty face and no depth. He is meek and reticent, wishful but despondent.

But Chat Noir? In felinity, he chases felicity, no restrictions, no rules. Chat is flamboyant, free, fun, flirty, a fool who is unafraid to flaunt himself to the world. He indulges extravagantly in cringey humour and bad puns without a care for his reputation and the opinions of others.

Adrien is an alias for Chat, his only bridge to social acceptance and love, even though he's fake, even though Chat feels like he's suffocating when he's Adrien.

In the end, he can never quite be happy. He is trapped in a cruel equilibrium, where what Adrien desires, Chat has (freedom), and what Chat desperately wants, Adrien has (love).

Sometimes, Adrien thinks, to make people fall in love with Chat, with his (real) personality, he'll need to make them understand that, contrary to belief, even personality can perish.

He thinks that maybe, if Chat were to temporarily sacrifice himself, the world would realise how much they love him.

And maybe, Ladybug could realise that she is in love with Chat, and not Adrien.

And then maybe, he could finally be happy.

* * *

But plans disobey the world's law of order, and of course, Adrien's plan fails.

Initially, it was only meant to be for a few instances— when he could sense an akuma, he just wouldn't transform into Chat. No, Chat would stay hidden. Plagg didn't understand, but was bribed into complacency with cheese (though Adrien had never seen him more reluctant and remorseful about accepting the food offering).

But then came the public outrage, the stakes, the flames. Nobody appreciated Chat more when he was finally gone; the public criticised him severely, calling him foolish, cowardly, despicable. Instead, Ladybug's solitary endeavours elicited more love, more adoration, more respect.

And suddenly, there was no more need for Chat— Ladybug (sweet, strong, _lucky_ Ladybug) could fix everything, save everyone without him. Ladybug has her Lucky Charm; she doesn't need Chat to save the world, and now the world doesn't either.

And Chat realises that he never was needed in the first place— he was always just Ladybug's comedic sidekick. If their places were reversed, if it were Ladybug who disappeared, Chat could never save anyone.

Chat, after all, is only capable of destruction (the black cat lies in the rubble and ash, bound by the dictations of fate). He isn't a hero, he never was, but Ladybug is and always was. Then what is Chat? Perhaps he's her parasite, or the stray cat that uses her for his own survival. _Chat needs Ladybug, but Ladybug doesn't need him._

(Even though it's not fair, even though he _loves her so much_ — but then there is a bitter taste in his mouth when he sees her name plastered on television screens, when he sees the crinkle of her nose and her disappointment when they bring up his name, when he sees that she is _completely fine_ without him, and suddenly, some part of him can't stand the sight of her anymore.)

Chat, unfamiliar to the sheer agony and despondency aroused by his realisation, curls into a ball and hides deep within Adrien— but it's too much, far too much, and Chat's mask is cracking, Adrien is breaking, and—

(Well, the story isn't unfamiliar; the black cat and his instincts are enticed by the butterfly fluttering onto his nose).

* * *

 **And we are done! You did well enduring this atrocity!**

 **Adrien's (or should I say Chat's?) mindset near the end was very much, "you don't realise what you have until it's gone", but it kinda backfired. :(**

 **It may still be subject to some edits in the future, but nothing drastically different, hopefully.**

 **Please review!**

 _~Adieu!_

 _X's and O's,_

 _Liberty._


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